My cat loves to chase my mom and I around the house all the time. Up and down the hallway he stalks us, and every so often, he catches us with his claws. While I just yank my pants leg out of his grip, my mom's thinner pants make her more prone to his attacks than myself. So, naturally, her first reaction whenever he snags her is to wheel around, glare at him and shout, "how would you like it if I bit YOU?! Or better yet, how about I just toss you off the balcony like a flying squirrel? Then you won't chase me anymore!" Mostly this exchange just makes me laugh. But from time to time I like to just let me mom know that following through with her threats is not okay.
This is a 100% genuine sample of a normal, everyday conversation between my mother and myself:
Erin: Try not to kill the kitty cat while I'm at work. No flying squirrels off of the balcony!
Mommie: Too late, I just FedExed Binx up to Colin ... without the box!
Erin: OMG, you totally stapled a packing slip to his tail, didn't you?!
Mommie: Ah, no. That would have been cruel. I superglued bubble wrap to him and taped the packing slip to THAT. DUH!
Erin: Did you at least poke holes in the bubble wrap so he can breathe?! Actually, he'll probably claw a few air holes himself, so no worries!
Mommie: You must really think I'm mean, GEESH. I put a straw through the bubble wrap and just to be sure he is safe marked it THIS SIDE UP!
Erin: Oh whew! A straw is a good idea, he can totally figure out how to suck air through a straw. Bye bye, Binx. Sorry you have to be shipped to death.
Mommie: In best ghetto accent: "Oh no I din...n't, foo, Binx like, he chillin' man! That superglue is fly, stuck that sucka's lips right to the straw. No way he lose it man. Know what I sayin'?"
Back in normal voice, I also left instructions for Binx in 3 languages.
Plus I shipped him overnight express delivery. If he gets a hairball stuck in the straw he can hold his breath that long.
